Something has switched in the past few months, like I’ve been slowly waking up from a long sleep.
I’m finding things out about myself every day. I have new interests in activities that involve getting to know myself on a deeper level – meditation, yoga, energetics. Once I scoffed at the thought of healing others or helping others, but now all that I can think about is exactly that. I used to want to be someone important in my lifetime, a big deal, well known for doing something or being something big. I could never seem to place my finger on what that “something big” would be. Now I can’t help but feel I’m a part of something much bigger than myself. I want to leave the world knowing I did everything in my power to make it better than when I came into it.
I want to learn about the inner workings of plants, of animals, why things work or look or sound or smell the way they do. I want to be able to immerse myself in nature and feel totally comfortable within it, for however long I choose to be there. I believe for far too long we’ve been stifled into mindless beings by television, news, media, popular culture, fast fashion, bad food. I believe that all this white noise has disconnected us from our world, our environment, each other, ourselves. We all want cheap and easy connections and face-value, dime a dozen friendships to showcase to each other to prove something, I’m not sure what. that we’re not as alone as we feel? That we are validated, at least online? How many friends do we have that we can actually say we would be able to call at 4 in the morning when our whole world is falling apart, or to deeply talk about nature, science, culture, and open up about our most well-kept fears and desires and thoughts?
I want my life’s purpose to be more than a few thumbs up on a screen. Lately I’ve been feeling a real pull toward highly energetic everything – practices, careers, connections, conversations, food, mountains, meditation. I’ve been learning about holistic healing across tribes across time. How deeply embedded their sense of community is, and how their connection to everything is either what makes or breaks your health, mind, spirit. I can’t help but wonder what these people would make of our concrete-and-wire societies. I can’t help but feel I want to be a part of that life. And most importantly I want to prove there’s a way of living life that’s different to the dot point structure we seem to be feeding each other. I don’t know what this means or what exactly I’m going to do. Infact, my only plan is laid along a dusty, dense bush track covered in thick grey fog. Conversely it’s the most free I’ve ever felt. Paradoxically both in control and completely out of control of whatever is next to come with only one instruction crystal clear amongst the undergrowth and fog – “believe”.