“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” – Lao Tzu
“Don’t be surprised at how quickly the universe will move with you once you have decided”. – Unknown.
the hurricane of uncertainty.
I’m not sure when it began but I’m going to say as of late: my mind, body and soul have been swept up in avalanches, hurricanes, and large powerful tidal waves of self-doubt and uncertainty.
I got asked the question the other night: – What is it that you love to do? What is it that you would do if money was no object?
The answer was simple. I love to travel. I love experiencing cultures and immersing myself in the unknown. And the only other thing I’ve been unquestionably, unequivocally talented at (if I do say so myself) is to write. But the more I thought about the answer the more distressed me as reality came through like a pummelling fist, smashing apart my dreams as it came bubbling to the surface – “how the hell can I make money from writing? Who reads anymore? DO people care about blogs anymore? Am I too late? I have bills to pay, I have a large travel debt to pay off, I can’t just “LEAVE” my current job in the hope that someone out there is going to pay me to write. And travel seems so maddeningly impossible at the moment…”. It all spewed forth from the dark recesses of my mind that I realised, then and there, had been collecting for quite some time. And post-outburst, it led me to realise this – that lately the more I come to know what I want, the more I’m unsure of how to get there, and then I question if it’s something I can achieve, which is the metaphorical butterfly flapping its wings within my mind that leads to the hurricane later on. Round and round the process goes, an endless nauseating cycle that always seems to bring me to the same place.
I know what I want and absolutely symmetrically, I don’t know what I want at all. At the same time. Both thoughts running in perfect parallel with me in the centre, unable how to connect the two without being caught in the crossfire.
I have so many ideas that none happen. I want something so badly, that when it can’t or won’t happen for me, I force-push it from my mind to protect myself from the hurt. I feel everything, every swell of emotion, every setback, every push forward, every change, spark, glimpse – so strongly its maddening. I realise I have one lifetime and I want to do everything. See everything. Feel everything and experience it all. I can feel that there is something big for me on the horizon, and yet the horizon has felt to be expanding in my opposite direction every time I try to get there.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s time for change – for good. Beginning within. I wouldn’t call myself “religious” but I believe in the universe and energy and so I’ve been speaking to that energy, that entity, for a while now. Asking open questions. Talking to it. Putting my charged thoughts out there into the charged atmosphere to start a process. And the process starts within. Sometimes, the chains that prevent us from being free are more mental than physical. The only limitations we have in life are the ones we place on ourselves. And if you keep doing what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
This morning I woke up extra early against my own inner-will (and she is strong). I went to the place that I know inspires me the most – the ocean. And again I spoke to “it”. Nature, the universe, energy, “god”. Myself. And as I spoke out of the corner of my eye I spotted a crystal clear lagoon to my right, not a ripple in sight across the lacquered glass of water, orange-red baked sand caught underneath and pure white and deepest green “ghost trees” edging its borders. And the more I walked closer the more enamoured I was. And in this moment a simple list came to me, almost cute and silly in its simplicity.
Pay off your debts
And in that moment all I could feel was contentment. All I could hear inside my usually busy mind was silence. I received the first piece of my multi-dimensional puzzle, clear as day, in list-form (of all things.)
The honest truth is that I have no idea what any part of the future looks like for me. However right now, that simple, small puzzle piece feels like weighty gold and I can’t help but smile as I realise that now I’ve let go, the answers are being presented to me one by one.
And so off to start the list, I go. No matter how long it takes me.
There is bliss in the unknown, in the eye of the storm.
– D. Solway